A couple of years ago, I made an animation about Lauren Cleri, a lady who had an embarrassing appearance on the defunct Fox “reality” game show, Moment of Truth.  The show was a relatively hot topic on the internet at the time and has retained enough relevance in the land of memes for the video to still get views and comments to this day.  All in all, I’d say that about 97% of the comments that were ever left on that video were completely useless.

Before going into specifics, I’ll post the video here for the hyperlink-impaired:

Anyway, here are a few of the examples of comments nobody should ever, ever leave on a YouTube video.

1) “Hahahaha”:  Really any variation of this is unacceptable.  Hahahas, LOLs, ROFLs and LMAOs are all equally useless.  Congratulations, you laughed at something.  While I appreciate the sentiment of trying to inform me that you enjoyed my video, I really don’t need to know unless you have something a little less vague to say.  This isn’t a comedy club.  Video uploaders don’t feel bad if they don’t hear enough LOLing.

2) “wtf”:  All this means to me is that you’re easily confused.  I already know that most of the internet is comprised of idiots.  I don’t need more confirmation.

3) “mr.whiskers i knew it!”:  Yes…I know the video contains this line.  I wrote it.  Don’t ever comment with nothing more than a line from the video.

4) “fuck this vid can u say gay ?”:  On the other side of rule #1 above, I also could care less if you didn’t like the video.  However, if you insist on insulting a video, you could at least do your best to maximize your impact by not sounding like a complete moron.

5)  Over-reactive rants:   Perhaps my favorite useless comments are those where someone spends an entire paragraph explaining why I’m sexist, or how my video proves that America is “going down the toilet,” or about how I should be ashamed about how horrible and offensive I am.  I’m just a guy who made a pointless cartoon in his spare time.  Save your outrage for something that actually matters.

NB:  All of these rules go immediately out the window when dealing with the “vlog” community.  You know who I’m talking about.  Kids who spend 5 minutes talking about their feelings in front of a webcam every day.  These people feed off of your attention, no matter how useless your comment actually is.  So, feel free to throw a “wtflol” to them whenever you see them.  It just might stop them from crying that night.

Sleeping on a boat,
Out in the hot summer sun,
My hand on my chest.

The clueless texts keep rolling in:

• “Ok”
• “I am playin princessa”
• “I knoe im onr”
• “Yea”
• “Here in the hostipal”

While “playin princessa,” our friend appears to have landed himself in the “hostipal.”  Get well soon, buddy…get well soon.

Still getting unusual replies in text form to things I never sent:

• “I wont cuz u dont want me to smoke n i dont want u to get mad at me”
• “So wat u doin”
• “Wow wat”
• “A kien”

I wonder if I should tell him he’s got the wrong damned number at some point?  Although, it might be more fun to play along and start sending texts back.  Perhaps something along the lines of, “Wut r u wearing?”

First off, “texts” is really hard to say without a weird stilted pause.  Tex-t-s.

On to new business.

I’ve been getting a lot of texts recently from someone who obviously has the wrong number.  The odd part about this, though, is that these texts are somehow replies.  I’m not 100% sure how this works.  The only thing I can figure is that this person entered their friend’s number wrong and for some reason doesn’t know how to properly reply to a text, instead just starting a new text each time they want to respond.  Anyway, here is a list of the texts I’ve received and subsequently ignored.

• “Yea”
• “Yea”
• “Aaah pretty good i huess n how ur day”
• “Nomaz”
• “Aight”
• “Have u done that to me”

For some reason I imagine that the text that inspired that last response went something like this:

“Why the fuck don’t you ever respond to my texts?  Have you blocked my number?”

Having run out of toothpaste recently, my organic grocer loving hippy of a fiancée picked us up some natural toothpaste from Whole Foods (love ya’, Autumn).  Specifically, she bought some Tom’s of Maine’s Whole Care™ orange-mango flavored fluoride toothpaste.

Now, I normally stick to citrus or cinnamon flavored toothpastes because mint flavors tend to make me feel sick for a couple hours after use.  On the surface, it would seem that Tom’s of Maine’s Whole Care™ orange-mango flavored fluoride toothpaste would be perfect for me.

Unfortunately, this was not the case.  The toothpaste is tasty enough initially, but it almost feels as though you’re brushing your teeth with flavored water.  There’s no refreshing sensation or foaming action.  Were it not for the existence of the tasty orange-mango flavor, you’d barely realize you were using Tom’s of Maine’s Whole Care™ orange-mango flavored fluoride toothpaste at all.

When you’re done brushing, you’re left with the aftertaste.  If brushing your teeth with Tom’s of Maine’s Whole Care™ orange-mango flavored fluoride toothpaste tastes like chewing a flavorful piece of fruity gum, the aftertaste is more like chewing a piece of used gum that’s been sitting on your end table all night.

Don’t worry, though…your breath won’t have a used gum smell or anything.  It’ll still just smell like morning breath.

Final Verdict:  Tom’s of Maine’s Whole Care™ orange-mango flavored fluoride toothpaste sucks.

Green Men tag:  Employees at Whole Foods.

A couple days ago I saw a commenter on another site who was way the fuck too upset about something.  The story as I understand it is that some video game blog had the audacity to use the tag “Green Men” for an entry about some video game.  This apparently made this guy so mad that he still remembers seeing it to this very day.  Quoth the agitated man:  “Why would someone search for ‘green men’ in the first place? […] It’s like tagging an article about ice “melts”, because no crap, ice melts, but why would someone search for that tag, and why would they want to see an article about ice if they were?”

He then went on to complain even more about the blatant affront to his tagging sensibilities.  In honor of this guy’s freak out, I’ve decided to add the tag “Green Men” to the list for Blorts.*  Consider it an experiment of sorts.  In the future, I’ll do my best to tie the “Green Men” tag to any and all Blorts that it could possibly apply to.  I’m looking forward to seeing how this goes.

Thanks for the idea, random Internet ranter.

*Technically I use categories instead of tags.  Same thing, right?

One of the simple pleasures of life:  Needing 13 file folders and realizing that you grabbed exactly 13 out of the box.

One of the annoyances of life:  Looking at a clock that reads 8:38.  It’s one of the ugliest times possible when written in blocky digital numbers.