Exact quote from the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric, regarding the rough plane landing in Jamaica (emphasis theirs, not mine):

Of the 148 passengers and 6 crew members on board, seventy-six were US citizens.  Of those at least 40 were taken to local hospitals with minor injuries.  4 Americans were in serious condition.

There was no mention of the non-American statistics because hey, fuck them, right?  Why not at least have the courage to add, “And nobody gives a shit about Jamaicans,” while you’re at it, Katie?

At 7-11 this morning, I saw a woman standing in the corner of the store, head down, holding a chocolate muffin to her face.  She licked and nibbled away at the top part of the muffin like a squirrel eating an unshelled peanut.  It was very odd.

That’s all I have to say right now.  Go about your business.

I once had an idea for a video game.  In one of the game’s early boss encounters, you would fight just long enough to trigger an event where you become incapacitated.  As it approachd you to finish you off, an unseen helper would suddenly take a carefully aimed head shot from off screen, saving you.

The twist being that later on in the game a time travelling side story begins and you discover that you were the one who had saved yourself.

I suppose this idea was obvious enough that plenty of people had thought of it already, but it didn’t stop me from feeling extremely disappointed when I saw the exact same plot device used in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.  In fact, I’m almost certain that the book was written before I had come up with my version of the idea.

I bring this up because I have experienced far too many cases of this phenomenon in my life.  I’d have to go back to remember them all because I’ve generally tried to forget most of them.  One question that remains for me, though, is this:  Does this happen to me so often because my ideas are mundane enough that anyone else could come up with them, or is it because my ideas are so great that they are bound to become famous when another more dedicated person has the same one?

What was my point, again?

Ah yes…Beard Watch.  For several Novembers now, I have been bringing Beard Watch to you, the viewer.  I started doing this way back in 2005.  A few days ago, however, someone alerted me to the existence of something called “No Shave November.”

Supposedly, “No Shave November” is some kind of popular American unofficial holiday modeled after some Australian moustache-growing-month-kind-of-thing.  Whatever it is, I can’t seem to find any record of this event prior to 2006 (after a thourough search* of Wikipedia revisions of the entry for ”November,” I finally found the date upon which the phrase “No Shave November” was first added, as well as a page for the “holiday” itself that was eventually deleted for the reason, “Obviously a hoax article…“).

The worst part?  Blogger, Brian Cromer, recently made a post about his past experiences with “No Shave November.”  He even took daily pictures à la Beard Watch, but waited until the end of the month to mash them into a video citing that daily updates ”would have been super boring for you, thus guaranteeing the loss of all my consistent readers.”

Well, all I have to say to that is:  Fuck you Brian Cromer!

Mainly, though, I simply no longer have an interest in continuing the tradition of Beard Watch.  I don’t want to sound like an anti-trendist here (i.e. “My favorite band became popular so I must stop liking them.”), but this whole business has just left a sour taste in my mouth.

And let’s face it…none of this helps with my eternal question.  Beard watch wasn’t a mundane idea or a great one.  It was just plain stupid.  So what the hell is going on?

It’s a conspiracy, I tell you.

*In my search of Wikipedia revisions, I also discovered that the most common edits were made by people adding their own birthdays to the page, changing words to “gay” and/or talking about how one thing or another sucks a badly mispelled version of a dick.

My website has, once again, lost the top spot in a Google search of the word “cutaia.”

This time, the victor in the battle for number 1 is some fucking mobster named Domenico Cutaia (or Dominick Cutaia depending on which part of the Wikipedia page you look at…that’s right, I’m getting beat by an unsourced Wikipedia stub).  Really?  A gangster?

First I have to fight off a couple of crooked mortgage brokers from Florida and now a member of the Lucchese crime family?  What the hell are you people trying to do to the family name?

I suppose I’m going to have to start updating the site again to get back on top.  Either that or I need to get started on a life of crime.  But then, I don’t want people thinking all us Cutaias are crooks.  Some of us make crappy websites, too.

I’ve watched this video at least a dozen times since I discovered it two weeks ago and it never fails to make me giggle out loud. I finally decided it was time to pass this joy along to the viewers of my website (all two of you).

Source: Break.com

It’s been two years now and memory-of.com is still sending me e-mails to remind me that I’m dead.  And yes…the perpetually expiring offer to make my memorial website permanant (25% off for a limited time!) is still there.

While Dewey passed away a couple of years back, I just now stumbled upon the story of Dewey, the library cat.  When Dewey was left in the book return one night, library employees decided to adopt him.  He lived until the ripe old age of 19; during those years he ”worked” for the Spencer Library with the following job description:

1. Reducing stress for all humans who pay attention to him.
2. Sitting by the front door every morning at 9:00 am to greet the public as they enter the library.
3. Sampling all boxes that enter the library for security problems and comfort level.
4. Attending all meetings in the Round Room as official library ambassador.
5. Providing comic relief for staff and visitors whenever possible.
6. Climbing in book bags and briefcases while patrons are studying or trying to retrieve needed papers underneath him.
7. Generating free national and world-wide publicity for Spencer Public Library. (This entails sitting still for photographs, smiling for the camera, and generally being cute.)
8. Working toward status as world’s most finicky cat by refusing all but the most expensive, delectable foods—and even turning up his nose at those most of the time.

I’m surprised, but delighted, that they were able to get away with this for all that time without some whiny bitch complaining that this violated the rights of library-goers who are allergic to cats.  Good for you, Spencer Library.  I wish my local library had a cat hanging out.  Who knows?  Then I might actually go there and pay my late fees.

Through all the hard work you’ve done for Comcast, a Google search of your name no longer places my old Blort™, Frank Eliason probably has a tiny penis, on the first page of results.  In fact, that entry is now 43rd…and we all know that people never get past the third page.

Not everyone has been as lucky as you.  Lauren Cleri still sees a cartoon version of herself performing oral sex on a game show host when she Google’s her name.  Just below Rebekah Sanderlin’s real website is my Blort™ calling her a fucking idiot.  Hell, even a search of “Cloverfield Sucks” keeps me on page two, and I’m pretty sure a lot more people have written about Cloverfield than about you.

So way to go, Frank Eliason!  Your penis has been upgraded from “probably tiny” to “assumably average.”  The Google never lies.

“I want, not for personally for me, but for working Americans, to have a option, that if they don’t like their health insurance, if it’s too expensive, they can’t afford it, if the government can cobble together a cheaper insurance policy that gives the same benefits, I see that as a plus for the folks.”
-Bill O’Reilly

And the supposed “conservatives” continue to show how ignorant they are.  The free market is something that they don’t actually support because they don’t understand a lick of it.  The thing about free-market competition, is that it requires businesses to succeed or fail on their own merits.

What Billy-boy doesn’t seem to get is that the government’s version of “cobbling together” a policy essentially amounts to a room full of bureaucrats pulling numbers out of their asses until enough constituants are happy enough to get them re-elected next year.  When was the last time the government honestly shopped around for a good deal?  The fact is, they don’t have to.  First off, they’re most likely to just go with the company who gave them the biggest campaign contribution.  If that means sacrificing bargains, they know they can always just print more money to “create” a good deal for the end-user…the voters.  The voters, unfortunately, aren’t concerned that these actions end up affecting the future of our economy or about the Federal-Reserve-propelled decline of the dollar, though, because these are less concrete or immediate concepts.

For years, the Democrats and the Republicans have been force-feeding the public an idea that cheaper such-and-such, right this moment, means that the future is in good hands (pay no attention to the trillions of dollars in debt behind the curtain).

This is the bottom line behind why a public “option,” is not a true free-market solution.  The government doesn’t understand or care about things like cost vs. profit (or even breaking-even) because, “Hell!  If we run out of money, we’ll just print more!”  No loans, no bankruptcy, no real accountability…just pass it off to the children!  Governments don’t operate under the same constraints of economic reality that a real business must.

So, Bill…you think your current plan is great for you, yet support a government plan for all us lowly peons out there (way to stick to principles you sycophantic prick), but keep in mind:  When the government “option” accidentally (?) creates a monopoly based on their inexperience with actual business practice and their neverending supply of funny money, what exactly do you think will happen to your wonderful plan?  The government can simply offset unsustainable costs by selling off bits and pieces of our future (i.e. printing money, which is for all intents and purposes a hidden tax) and nobody will be the wiser.  Can your plan say the same?  Or will it suddenly have even less money coming in due to customers jumping ship, while still having to support its remaining members?  Sounds like a recipe for disaster if you ask me.

From the viewpoint of the masses, a public “option” appears to be a perfect solution.  They see all these positives for the proles, but the negatives are too obscure for your average American to consider.  And it’s not socialized medicine, right?  Just more free-market competition!  But as I said, competition only works when all the competitors are playing the same game.  A public option is effectively killing or severely crippling the private sector, not because it’s inherently better, but because it’s not based in any kind of economic reality.

I just can’t wait for Bill O’Reilly’s insurance company to go out of business because it can no longer compete with a mob of thieves who just counterfeit money in order to have the “best” plan out there.  Then after 4 years, everyone can pat themselves on the back, get re-elected, and “keep on fuckin’.”