I know this is a bit “old” by internet standards, but so is anything else that didn’t happen in the last 5 hours.  Besides, I’m new at this “hot topic” crap, so fuck off.

Anyway, last month a contestant in the Miss Teen USA pageant was asked the question (and I’m paraphrasing here), “Why do you think that 1 out of 5 Americans can’t find the US on a world map?”  She then proceeded to ramble on about how people don’t have maps, and how our education system needs to help people in South Africa and “the Iraq.”

Here’s the video for posterity:

Now, don’t get me wrong…the footage of her confused tangential answer was pretty damned hilarious.

What I don’t understand, though, is why her answer is the national focus here.  What about the stupid question that she was being asked?  Thousands of people are making fun of this chick, but I haven’t seen a single one of them come up with a better answer than she gave.  The fact is, there was no good answer to that question.  The only accurate answer is that 1 out of 5 Americans are fucking morons.

Was that what she was supposed to say?  I’m fairly certain the judges wouldn’t have been pleased.

This was the Miss Teen USA pageant, and she was expected to rationalize why 20% of US residents are too stupid to find 3.7 million square miles on a map?  That’s the problem right there.  We shouldn’t be mocking some poor teenage girl for not being able to sugar-coat a national epidemic…we should be mocking the more than 60,000,000 people referred to in the question.

Recently, my co-worker Jeremy showed me a still life he had drawn.  Apparently, he had colored the drawing with some kind of paint-markers that his girlfriend had bought him.  It was an alright drawing, but then he pointed something out.  In the lower right-hand corner, the paint had dried in such a way that it very clearly showed the face of Jesus.

Now, I’m not a religious person or anything, and I’m usually pretty skeptical about shit like this, but I’m having a pretty hard time explaining this one.  It’s definitely him.  Take one look at it, and you’ll know exactly what I mean.

The picture can be seen at his website.

I find myself constantly disappointed by internet videos, not because of their content, but because of society’s reactions to them.  For example, the moment’s new “internet star” (I hate that term, by the way) is Andrew Meyer…the idiot who got tased at one of John Kerry’s speeches.

People are crying out about police brutality, and even claiming that his “right to free speech” was being censored.  Was I the only one who was happy to see this idiot get shocked?  Here’s one of the less-grainy videos of the incident:

There are other videos floating around that flesh out the story a little more, and I would recommend checking them out, but you get idea.

There were several distinct stages to this incident. In the first, Andrew jumped the queue and began to badger Kerry about conspiracy theories until he was finally told to actually ask a question. He responded to this request with childish sarcasm, insisting that Kerry had talked for two hours so he should therefore also be allowed to talk as long as he wished. At this point, the security guards let him continue. When more time passed, though, and he still hadn’t gotten to the fucking point, his mic was cut, and  the security team began to lead him outside.  The fact is, he was NOT being arrested at the time…he was only being escorted out for trying to turn the event into his own little protest.

After that, the second stage started.  This was where Andrew crossed the line.  Instead of simply following the officers outside, he decided to fight for his “rights.”  Sure, a person has a right to protest…but there is a time and place for it. If he wants to post his conspiracy theories all over his crappy website (which I won’t even link to here), then he can do it. If he wants to stand outside the event center with signs and a megaphone…feel free! He has no right, though, to encroach on everyone else’s ability to watch what they came to see, and they were there to watch Kerry’s speech…not to see some pathetic little bitch carrying on like an asshole.  When he did that, he was officially disturbing the peace.

I mean…it was ridiculous.  He was screaming, “Is anybody seeing this?  Do you see what’s happening?  What’d I do? What’d I do?!?  They’re arresting me!”  Then as they reached the top of the stairs, he started pushing the officers around trying to run back down the stairs!  He was just begging to be tackled…which is exactly what happened.

Next came stage 3.

Andrew was now officially being detained.  He just kept resisting, though.  Eventually the cops warned him, ”You will be tased if you do not stop resisting!”  40 seconds of screaming and kicking later, and the officers made good on their promise.

This was not some kind of unprovoked attack.  This was not an oppression of free speech.  This was a case of a douchebag getting what was coming to him for throwing a tantrum.  People have a tendency of forgetting that events usually occur as a progression.  They remember how it started and how it ended, and instantly assume correlation.

This kid was tased for his behavior…not his opinions.  It is very easy to see exactly how that situation escalated, and it was clearly all Andrew Meyer’s fault.

If anything he deserved it just for using the word “Bro.”

I work for the wound care division of a national medical supply company. While my job title is technically “Warehouse Coordinator” (the new politically correct friendly-sounding version of “Warehouse Controller“), I would describe it differently.

I am essentially the department’s main point of contact for around 100 employees, both in-house and out in the field. The problem, however, is that the employees who actually have their shit together don’t call me. The only people that contact me each day are the complete morons we’ve hired…a few of them long-time favorites, but most of them new.

These constant idiotic conversations have left me with the feeling that our company only hires stupid people. I suppose that’s actually partly true these days. We recently moved over to different ownership, and therefore a different philosophy on how things should be done. Now, instead of hiring people with traits like integrity or basic common sense, we only look for an insane drive to get sales.  It seems that the almighty ”numbers” are all the company cares about anymore.

It’s ironic. I hate stupidity more than most things in this world…and my job is to deal with it all day.

I have learned one thing, though: Stupid people love question marks.  If you ever get an e-mail from someone, and they add 2 or 3 question marks to the most basic questions, then chances are you’re conversing with an idiot.

After finding that giant squirrel on vi-r-us.com, I rummaged through their front page a bit.  This is what I found:

After this, no more stealing content ideas from them…I swear.

Grocery shopping used to take forever.

I would show up with a crappy hand-written list, and no idea of where to find anything.  Whenever I wasn’t sure of a product’s location, I’d have to check the directory board hanging above the cereal aisle.  Some products weren’t even on that damned thing (I once spent 10 minutes trying to find a bottle of grenadine).  It seemed like I always forgot something important, too.  I’d return home only to realize I’d not bought any butter or salt.

A year and a half ago, I came up with an idea to change all that.  I went into the nearest King Soopers, and walked up and down each aisle writing down every item I could ever conceivably want.  I also recorded the aisle number for each one.  I now have a foolproof plan of action for grocery day.  My list is designed perfectly.  I start at the north side of the store, and make my way around the outer perimeter.  Once I’ve reached the produce department, I start heading back the way I came, this time hitting the appropriate aisles.  I’ve even planned the order to allow my heavy items (like soda and milk) to be at the bottom of the cart, while frozen foods and ice cream are the last thing I get.

With list in hand, I’ve cut my shopping times from over an hour, to around 20 minutes (which I feel completely justifies the initial time investment).

Of course, I’m still not sure if this is a completely brilliant idea, or just obsessive-compulsive behavior.

I almost hate to perpetuate the viewing and discussion of crap like this…but now that I’m blorting, I feel compelled to be a part of the big internet buzz of the moment.

Anyway, if you saw the recent MTV VMAs (I didn’t, because I had better shit to do), then you might have noticed a rather awful performance by Britney Spears.  Since then, there has been quite the media frenzy surrounding the footage.

Now, I personally think that some of the response has been a little crude, and even unhealthy to us as a society.  Way too much emphasis has been placed on how “fat” she looked, which is idiotic, because she looked like your average half-naked woman to me.  Should her appearance be held up to a higher standard just because she’s a pop “star?”

Actually, yes.  I mean…if she’s gonna get up on stage on national television and shimmy around in a bikini, she probably should work on the belly.  But to call that fat?  Come on!

In any case, I’m not here to discuss the performance itself, but to post the following video for those of you who still haven’t seen it.  It is essentially some crossdresser’s insane reaction to the media’s comments about Britney’s terrible song and dance.

I warn you, this might haunt your nightmares tonight:

This picture currently comes up fifth in a Google image search of the word “squirrel.” It is perhaps the most clever on-the-fly response to the discovery of carrion ever recorded.

[snagged from vi-r-us.com]

I’m not usually the technophobic type, but this video goes from really cool to almost creepy in about 6 minutes flat.  If we ever end up moving giant rocks while robots whip us, I think we’ll remember Photosynth as where it all started.

It’s a proven fact that everyone on the internet loves “blogs” except for me.  I hate them so much even that I refuse to write the damned word without quotation marks surrounding it (I do the same whenever I’m forced to use other web-terms like ”lol” “wtf” or “link-dump”).  But I suppose I should get with the times.

The truth is, I’ve always found myself somewhat limited by my desire to keep my journal from turning into a “blog.”  I’ve always tried to use that space for real stories with some possible literary merit, as opposed to the short off-the-cuff posts you find in most “blogs.”

This, on the other hand, will be a place for any random thing that enters my mind and seems possibly entertaining.  It may even contain some “link-dumping” or entertainment media found around the internet.  It will hopefully stay more consistently-updated and less bound by the short story format than my journal.

As for the name…I’ve found that the internet loves meaningless buzz-words, and for the most part, anytime someone combines two words to describe something that already has a name, its thought of as forward-thinking and brilliant.

So, here’s my entry into the annals of internet history.  The combination of the words “blog” and “shorts” to form the seemingly brand new word:  BLORTS.

The internet should love it…