Thank you for bringing us important stories like this:

SYDNEY —  A New Zealand man has been sentenced to community service after telling police he was raped by a wombat and the experience had made him speak “Australian”.

Arthur Ross Cradock, 48, from the South Island town of Motueka, called police on February 11 and told them he was being raped at his home by the wombat and he needed help, The Nelson Mail newspaper reported.

The orchard worker later called back and said: “Apart from speaking Australian now, I’m pretty all right, you know.”

In case you have no idea what a wombat looks like (I didn’t), here’s a picture:

The question, though, is why a supposedly respectable news organization would be reporting shit like this?  I think the answer is obvious:  Fox News is nothing more than a tabloid.

Stop getting your news from these assholes, people!

In regards to my recent post about the Maxim story…

I realize that Amy Winehouse actually is pretty hideous, as referenced by pictures like this:

It took me quite some time just to find a picture of her that wasn’t terrible for that Blort.  But my point still stands about Maxim being written by douchebags.

Last week Hillary Clinton recounted a harrowing tale for reporters about her trip to Bosnia back when she was First Lady.  In this account, she claimed, “I remember landing under sniper fire.  There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles.”  Sounds terrifying.

In the days that followed, though, video and eyewitness accounts surfaced that somewhat contradicted her account.  As it turns out, there were no snipers, and Hillary walked casually from the plane to the (supposedly non-existent) greeting ceremony where an 8-year-old girl recited a poem to her.  I don’t want to call Hillary Clinton a liar, though.  I mean…a few years after bending down to kiss a little girl on the cheek, who’s to say that someone couldn’t misremember themselves as fleeing from sniper-fire while heads explode all around them?

Take a look…the similarities between the two scenarios are eerie:

After being confronted about her version of these events, Hillary assured the media that she didn’t intend to exaggerate so much about them.  “I say a lot of things…millions of words a day.  So if I misspoke, that was just a misstatement.”

Well, there you go.  Hillary Clinton didn’t lie or exaggerate.  She just got confused for a second because she speaks MILLIONS OF WORDS A DAY!!!  See?  Hillary isn’t prone to hyperbole at all!

For fun, I did the math on her statement and discovered that Hillary Clinton speaks at an average of 23 words per second!  This, however, assumes that she never sleeps and talks literally 100% of the time, so the real average is probably even higher!  Can you honestly tell me that someone so talented doesn’t deserve to be president?

Perhaps the biggest insult in regards to my recent raise, was HR’s response to my well thought out request that my tiny pay increase be reconsidered.  To paraphrase, “I shouldn’t be concerned only with my pay, but should work hard also for the satisfaction of a job well done.”

Let me tell you something…I am quite satisfied with myself.  In fact, I verge on being downright egotistical sometimes.  If I want to feel good about myself, I’ll do something I actually give a shit about.  There is only one reason I come to work each day, though:  A fucking paycheck.  All the company wants out of this relationship is money, yet I’m just supposed to be happy with good feelings?

THOSE DON’T PAY MY FUCKING BILLS!

The new episode of South Park this week (in which Britney Spears tries to kill herself, but survives with half of her head missing), actually made me think that people really should just leave her the fuck alone.

However, after watching tonight’s episode of How I Met Your Mother, I’ve decided I just don’t care.  Britney played a cameo role as a shy little receptionist who gets sad easily when confronted.  At one point, another character says to her, and I’m paraphrasing, ”I wish people wouldn’t be so mean to you.”  If this isn’t an obvious ploy for sympathy, I don’t know what is.

The part that pisses me off, though, is what a terrible fucking acting job she did.

Here’s a tip:  If you want people to leave you alone…just disappear!  Buy some little house in your hometown and live a normal fucking life.  Stop acting like fame is owed to you.  Every time you step in front of the camera and ruin a show with your complete lack of talent, while simultaneously insinuating that we should feel sorry for you, you are only making things worse.

If you like awkward softcore porn and drug-addled rambles, then have I got a cam-whore for you:  “Sweet Eva”

Basically, this chick just sits around in her underwear all day long, yelling at the Internet.  The hilarious part, though, is just how much abuse she puts up with.  Anytime she’s on, there’s usually an entire chatroom full of people just mocking her.  She takes it all in stride, though, acting as if she really believes that all the hecklers are simply jealous of her.  “You’re just jealous that people wanna watch me and ain’t nobody wanna watch you, ya’ piece-a poop,” she’s claimed on more than one occasion.

It’s amazing to see how deluded people can be sometimes. 

Anyway, the links below are so not-safe-for-work, it’s ridiculous.  Click them at your own risk, and judge for yourself (but be aware that you will probably receive a pop-up upon leaving the cam site):

http://www.cam4.com/sweeteva (Eva alone)
http://www.cam4.com/evanmike (Eva and her boyfriend Mike)

Edit: According to comments below, she now broadcasts at http://www.iwebcam.com/sweeteva.  When you get there, you have to select her name from the room list in order to see the cam.  I’m amazed people are still watching, though…

I don’t care who you are, or how many times you’ve seen something like this…it’s still adorable:

During my 3 hours of sleeplessness yesterday morning, I found myself randomly researching an occasional hobby of mine:  Elements.  I stumbled across Theodore Gray’s PeriodicTable.com, and browsed for hours.

The concept of elements in their purest form is very interesting to me.  There are only around 100 different atoms that make up the entire universe, as far as we know.  The differences between each atom are minute…add a proton to helium and it becomes lithium.  The mathematical and cyclical nature of it all also amazes me.  Keep adding protons, and an atom will keep changing from noble gases, to alkali metals, and so on.  Each layer seemingly has it’s own increased properties as well.  Lithium will create energy and zoom around on the surface of water it’s placed in, while sodium will explode on contact with the same water.  Cesium, another alkali metal, will react similarly from simply being exposed to the moisture in the air.

When atoms combine into molecules, they become even more fascinating.  Mix sodium (the alkali metal so unstable that it explodes in water) and chlorine (a gas that is so poisonous in its purest form, that it could kill you instantly) and you end up with ordinary salt.  That’s fucking amazing!

I think what I like so much about Theodore Gray, though, is that he’s doing something I’ve always wanted to do:  Collect actual samples of all of the elements.  He even explains how to begin your own collection, which I think I may have to do one day.

There’s a theoretical experiment I’d love to know the results of, but would be very afraid to try.  If exactly one ounce of each existing element, were placed in a small box, and mixed together, what would the result be?  Of course, this is not unlike another imaginary experiment I’ve always wondered about:  If you took one of each animal, and placed them all in a giant room …which would be the last one standing?  I somehow don’t imagine it would be the human.

This morning, I received 2 phone calls immediately in a row.  They were from different numbers, but both came up as “INTL GATEWAY.”  The problem is that the calls occurred at 4:30 in the mother fucking morning, waking me up from a deep sleep.  I didn’t answer the calls, and no messages were left.  In researching the phone numbers on the Internet (here and here), I was able to determine that the calls were probably coming from some con artist somewhere.

I will certainly try to answer the phone and record the conversation if they call again; I’ve found that it’s usually pretty easy to make these phone-scam artists look really stupid.  However, if they again dial my number at 4:30 am…they’re gonna have a serious problem.

It took me 3 hours to get back to sleep this morning…

Sea life is generally pretty scary anyway, but just look at these giant starfish they found in the Antarctic waters of New Zealand.  They look like they’re on steroids:

More beautiful, but still pretty creepy, are these meter tall tunicates, which look like living glass flowers:

Source:  http://news.mongabay.com/2008/0321-antarctica.html