I saw the new ABC show I Survived a Japanese Game Show last night.  The commercials made it seem awesome.  “Finally!” I thought to myself, “A Japanese-style game show I’ll be able to understand the rules to!”

Unfortunately, there’s a distinct difference between our two cultures.  Japan is able to simply have a stupid fun game show where people show up, get dirty and have a blast.  America, however, had to take that wonderful concept and turn it fucking awful.  As with all things on network television, we had to turn it into a reality show.  That’s right…we can’t just enjoy watching people dressed in bee costumes throwing themselves against a windshield-shaped wall.  No!  We’re America!  We need 7 fucking soliloquies letting us know how the contestants feel about dressing up in bee costumes.  We have to know how each contestant feels about their teammates and opponents.  After each and every tiny challenge, we need to see the winning team be lavishly rewarded while the losing team is punished.  That’s the American way!  And by decree of the immutable laws of reality television…everything must take fucking forever! 

So, fuck you I Survived a Japanese Game Show.  Keep your real-life human drama and relationships out of our silly, messy, lovable Japanese game shows.

Sidenote:  Wipeout, the show that precedes this crap was pretty awesome.  It was just moment after moment of people flinging their bodies around ridiculous obstacle courses.  Now that’swhat I’m talking about!  Tune in for Wipeout, then change the channel when it’s over.