Recently, a gang of robbers stole 170 dollars from me.  They said they needed it because they had lost a lot of money gambling in Vegas and their bookies were gonna break their thumbs!  Since they obviously needed the money, I didn’t really mind the theft that much.

That was until recently, though.  That’s right…I just found out that they gave themselves 16 cents of that money!  16 cents!!!  Can you believe that?  I mean…the nerve of those guys!

Edit:  Nevermind…they’ve already returned 3 cents back to the bookie fund (and I hear that they may return another 5 cents, too).  I guess I spoke too soon, eh?  Boy, I feel so vindicated now! I’d say they’ve really risen to the occasion and I applaud them for it.

Note:  Multiply the above by a billion, and you basically have the AIG bonus scandal.  Now do you see how stupid you sound, America?  Maybe it’s time to focus on the initial theft, instead of squabbling about 0.1% of it?

So, the act of “smoking Smarties,” which I just heard about today, has (according to the Wall Street Journal) become a “cultural phenomenon.”  What this entails is essentially:  Smashing up some candy, putting it in your mouth and blowing out the powder.  I’m not sure how popular this could really be, but the quote above comes directly from 18-year old Jeremy Froncek, seen here sporting a trendy emo look and a pair of iPod earbuds.  Let’s face it…this kid just screams cultural phenomenon!  Also, keep in mind that this is the photo that Froncek himself supplied to the Wall Street Journal:

Froncek also says that he would never exhale Smarties smoke through his nose, because that would be too “hardcore.”  Indeed, he claims that nasal exhalation of candy dust takes it “to a whole other level.”  Wow!  For some reason, I seem to remember the cultural phenomena of my day being a little hipper than this.

Anyway…the effect itself is surprisingly realistic, as demonstrated by this awesome (and obviously way more hardcore than Froncek) little kid:

Alright, first things first:  Finding a few YouTube videos on the same subject does not, by any means, imply a full-blown cultural phenomena (I’m already sick of that buzzword).  If it did, then I think parents would have more to worry about than a potential Smarties-related sore throat.  By using the Wall Street Journal’s YouTube research method, I estimate that one out of every 10 teenagers will die in a flaming shot incident within the next 2 years.*

Secondly, anyone older than, say…let’s just go with the age of consent…should have better shit to do with their time than perfecting their fake smoking techniques.  I’m looking at you Froncek!

Third…the stupid thing about this whole story is the immediate over-reaction by parents and “school authorities.”  Obviously, they’ve gone straight for the old standbys.  Prohibition!  Zero-Tolerance!  Won’t somebody think of the children?!?!  Smarties are even being referred to as a possible “gateway drug.”

Now, there’s a lot that could be said about the danger involved with letting idiots ban harmless substances because of their ability to be turned into other harmless substances.  All I will say for now, though, is this:  Smarties sure as hell don’t encourage smoking.  You know what might, though?  Sending kids to detention for “class II possession of Smarties.”  If I were a student and had the choice, I’d take the real cigarette every time.  Because at least getting sent to detention for smoking those won’t make you look like such a damned Froncek.

*The other 9?  They’ll probably be murdered for being incredibly boring and annoying. 

Cell phones are, well…stupid.  I mean, yeah, they serve a purpose, but I’ve never found them to be as essential as the rest of the world seems to think.  Despite this fact, I finally bought my first wireless communication device since the old Nokia I had back in 2001, which looked pretty much like the one to the left.

I got rid of that phone after OnePoint Communications disconnected it for an unpaid bill.  I had taken the damned thing on the Great American Road Trip that year, and ended up with an enormous bill.  Now, I really didn’t use the phone all that much while I was out on the road, but this was before national calling zones and free long distance, mind you.  In the end, I think the bill for one month of service ended up being around $1,200.

Obviously, those fuckers never saw a single penny of it.  In fact, the debt never even made it to my credit report and last I checked, OnePoint was no longer a company.*

Anyway, my new phone is certainly sleeker than the last, and my service plan is much safer (calls, long distance, text, “pix” and mobile web are all unlimited and included in the monthly fee).  I sent out my first (and hopefully last) mass text to inform all my friends of my new status as a cell phone owner.  So far, other people seem happier than I about the news.

*Of course, if they are still in business and someone from their company is currently reading this, obviously this is all a big joke, and I certainly don’t owe anyone any money.  Haha?