CNN has apparently decided to try the FOX News approach to journalism for awhile.  One of their Top Ten Most Read stories yesterday was a piece about how Megan Fox once had a crush on a stripper.  Now…I’m not saying that Megan Fox’s desire to ”get pounded by a hot stripper with a strap-on” [sic?] isn’t of interest to me.  It’s just that I don’t think CNN is the place for this information to be relayed to me.

Pro journalism tip:  If your story doesn’t actually affect anyone in the world in any tangible way…it’s not news.

They say that Marcus Licinius Crassus, a Roman general way back in something B.C., was tortured and killed through method of molten gold poured down his throat.  Now, I can’t really find anything that supports this legend as being true, but nonetheless, I think we ought to bring it back (for the first time).

If politicians had to worry about being goldthroated when they did something terrible, maybe they’d stop being such evil douchebags…

Speaking of Japanese game shows ruined by America…

Autumn saw an ad for Fox’s newest cultural import the other day.  It’s a little game show called Hole In The Wall.  Curious, we looked it up on YouTube only to discover that it was one of the most awesome things I’ve ever seen.  In case you haven’t seen it, here’s one of the better previews from the Japanese version:

My only fear?  That America will find a way to fuck this up, too.

Back in April, I headed to the Target Optical Center for an eye exam and a few boxes of contacts.  Unfortunately, the clerks there were unable to verify my vision insurance before the appointment.  I didn’t know this, though, because the guy that left this message on my answering machine had a very thick Indian accent that I could barely understand in digitized form.  Long story short:  After receiving the exam and contacts, I was informed that they expected full payment for the rendered services.  I did not have those kinds of funds available, though, and felt quite put out by this sudden news (which is exactly why I had given them my insurance information beforehand).

Today, I found myself again out of contacts.  I went to the nearest Target store, thinking that each store’s records would be connected in some fashion.  They are not, as it turns out, so I asked the clerk if she could call some other stores to see if they had my file.  I thought I remembered getting my exam done at the Gartrell store, but wasn’t completely sure.  Who can remember such things?

She called them to ask, “Can you look and see if you have a patient’s file?”  There was a momentary pause then she added, “Cutaia.  First name, Brian.”  Immediately, “Oh, you do have it.  Can you fax that to me?  Thank you.”

As she hung up the phone, she said to me pleasantly, “They knew you right away!”

Funny…I didn’t remember being too hard on those guys.  Apparently, though, I make an impression when I’m dissatisfied with a service.  Oh well…

In honor of NOKSAM, I’ve tracked down a website called I Heart Guts.  These guys sell adorable little plush organs like this kidney:

They even have MySpace pages available for each organ.  My favorite “About Me” quote of all time comes from Plush Kidney’s page:  “I make pee for you!!”

The one thing I don’t understand on the site, though, is a get well e-card for the uterus that says, “Sorry about that miscarriage.  It really sucks, but now you can drink.”  Something tells me that card isn’t gonna cheer anybody up.

My new random goal?  I don’t know when…I don’t know how…but at some point I’m gonna get around to making a scale model of the Solar System.  It’s gonna need to be more than 40 miles from Sun to Pluto, so maybe it can be some kind of tourist trap.

I saw the new ABC show I Survived a Japanese Game Show last night.  The commercials made it seem awesome.  “Finally!” I thought to myself, “A Japanese-style game show I’ll be able to understand the rules to!”

Unfortunately, there’s a distinct difference between our two cultures.  Japan is able to simply have a stupid fun game show where people show up, get dirty and have a blast.  America, however, had to take that wonderful concept and turn it fucking awful.  As with all things on network television, we had to turn it into a reality show.  That’s right…we can’t just enjoy watching people dressed in bee costumes throwing themselves against a windshield-shaped wall.  No!  We’re America!  We need 7 fucking soliloquies letting us know how the contestants feel about dressing up in bee costumes.  We have to know how each contestant feels about their teammates and opponents.  After each and every tiny challenge, we need to see the winning team be lavishly rewarded while the losing team is punished.  That’s the American way!  And by decree of the immutable laws of reality television…everything must take fucking forever! 

So, fuck you I Survived a Japanese Game Show.  Keep your real-life human drama and relationships out of our silly, messy, lovable Japanese game shows.

Sidenote:  Wipeout, the show that precedes this crap was pretty awesome.  It was just moment after moment of people flinging their bodies around ridiculous obstacle courses.  Now that’swhat I’m talking about!  Tune in for Wipeout, then change the channel when it’s over.

I’m going to recommend a movie based solely on the following introductory sentence from Netflix’s description:

When virtuous high school student Dawn becomes the victim of a sexual assault, she discovers that she has an unexpected line of defense: a toothed vagina.

Teeth!  I haven’t seen it yet, but I can’t wait.  We’ll be downloading it tonight, but I won’t be back with a review.  If you want to know if it’s awful or the best thing in the world, you’ll have to find out for yourself.  But with a description that includes the phrase “toothed vagina,” can you really go wrong?

I’ve been getting some interesting junk e-mails recently.  They don’t advertise anything or contain attachments.  They are simply as follows:

Subject: Best

Body: your life is crap

I guess you have to respect someone who sends out millions of e-mails just to insult the recipients.  Right?

As was the case with Ghosts I-IV, Nine Inch Nails has once again released a free album online.  It’s called The Slip, and can be found here.  This is starting to get a little crazy, but I’m not gonna complain.