I saw the new ABC show I Survived a Japanese Game Show last night.  The commercials made it seem awesome.  “Finally!” I thought to myself, “A Japanese-style game show I’ll be able to understand the rules to!”

Unfortunately, there’s a distinct difference between our two cultures.  Japan is able to simply have a stupid fun game show where people show up, get dirty and have a blast.  America, however, had to take that wonderful concept and turn it fucking awful.  As with all things on network television, we had to turn it into a reality show.  That’s right…we can’t just enjoy watching people dressed in bee costumes throwing themselves against a windshield-shaped wall.  No!  We’re America!  We need 7 fucking soliloquies letting us know how the contestants feel about dressing up in bee costumes.  We have to know how each contestant feels about their teammates and opponents.  After each and every tiny challenge, we need to see the winning team be lavishly rewarded while the losing team is punished.  That’s the American way!  And by decree of the immutable laws of reality television…everything must take fucking forever! 

So, fuck you I Survived a Japanese Game Show.  Keep your real-life human drama and relationships out of our silly, messy, lovable Japanese game shows.

Sidenote:  Wipeout, the show that precedes this crap was pretty awesome.  It was just moment after moment of people flinging their bodies around ridiculous obstacle courses.  Now that’swhat I’m talking about!  Tune in for Wipeout, then change the channel when it’s over.

I’m going to recommend a movie based solely on the following introductory sentence from Netflix’s description:

When virtuous high school student Dawn becomes the victim of a sexual assault, she discovers that she has an unexpected line of defense: a toothed vagina.

Teeth!  I haven’t seen it yet, but I can’t wait.  We’ll be downloading it tonight, but I won’t be back with a review.  If you want to know if it’s awful or the best thing in the world, you’ll have to find out for yourself.  But with a description that includes the phrase “toothed vagina,” can you really go wrong?

I’ve been getting some interesting junk e-mails recently.  They don’t advertise anything or contain attachments.  They are simply as follows:

Subject: Best

Body: your life is crap

I guess you have to respect someone who sends out millions of e-mails just to insult the recipients.  Right?

As was the case with Ghosts I-IV, Nine Inch Nails has once again released a free album online.  It’s called The Slip, and can be found here.  This is starting to get a little crazy, but I’m not gonna complain.

With tomorrow being Earth Day, I thought I’d share a story as told to me by my co-worker, Mike Toles (paraphrased, of course):

When I was younger my politics were a lot more liberal.  In my early 20s, I was working at one of my first corporate jobs.  I went into the breakroom one day to get coffee, and this guy was in there washing out a mug.  It was close to Earth Day, so for some reason I asked him, “So…what are you doing for Earth Day?”

He was so startled that I had asked that particular question that he actually dropped his mug, completely shattering it in the sink.  He let out a disappointed groan and told me that he had owned the mug for 15 years or something; it had apparently held some kind of sentimental value to him.

Now that I think about it, it was kind of a stupid question…

Simple.  Terrible.  Yet, hilarious and enthralling.

During my 3 hours of sleeplessness yesterday morning, I found myself randomly researching an occasional hobby of mine:  Elements.  I stumbled across Theodore Gray’s PeriodicTable.com, and browsed for hours.

The concept of elements in their purest form is very interesting to me.  There are only around 100 different atoms that make up the entire universe, as far as we know.  The differences between each atom are minute…add a proton to helium and it becomes lithium.  The mathematical and cyclical nature of it all also amazes me.  Keep adding protons, and an atom will keep changing from noble gases, to alkali metals, and so on.  Each layer seemingly has it’s own increased properties as well.  Lithium will create energy and zoom around on the surface of water it’s placed in, while sodium will explode on contact with the same water.  Cesium, another alkali metal, will react similarly from simply being exposed to the moisture in the air.

When atoms combine into molecules, they become even more fascinating.  Mix sodium (the alkali metal so unstable that it explodes in water) and chlorine (a gas that is so poisonous in its purest form, that it could kill you instantly) and you end up with ordinary salt.  That’s fucking amazing!

I think what I like so much about Theodore Gray, though, is that he’s doing something I’ve always wanted to do:  Collect actual samples of all of the elements.  He even explains how to begin your own collection, which I think I may have to do one day.

There’s a theoretical experiment I’d love to know the results of, but would be very afraid to try.  If exactly one ounce of each existing element, were placed in a small box, and mixed together, what would the result be?  Of course, this is not unlike another imaginary experiment I’ve always wondered about:  If you took one of each animal, and placed them all in a giant room …which would be the last one standing?  I somehow don’t imagine it would be the human.

Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor, who had a hand in offering the free versions of Saul Williams‘ latest album, is once again taking the Harvey Danger approach to business (that’s right, bitches…Harvey Danger was offering free albums long before Radiohead became “pioneers” for doing so.  For that matter, so was Self).  This time, you can get part one of his new album Ghosts I-IV for free.  If you want the whole album, though, you will have to pay for it.

It’s interesting to note just how much money people are making by giving away free albums, and then charging an insane amount for special versions.  The order page states that the 2,500 ultra-deluxe limited editions that were selling at $300 are already gone.  That’s a guaranteed $750,000 in Trent’s pocket.  Basically, rich people are paying more so that poor people can enjoy the music, too.  It’s almost like communism, isn’t it?

Seriously…it takes balls for a candy company to design and market a product that is so very obviously flawed.  Chocolate Skittles…what a bad idea!  But here they are in my hand, and you’ve gotta admire that.

In case you’re too sensible afraid to experiment, I’ve provided the following write-up of what each flavor is like.  Enjoy:

• S’mores - Ass
• Chocolate Pudding - Ass
• Chocolate Caramel - Ass
• Vanilla - Ass
• Brownie Batter - Tootsie Roll

…to Ron Paul.  If only we had more people in the media out there who were willing to point out what complete douchebags most of these people are.