While Dewey passed away a couple of years back, I just now stumbled upon the story of Dewey, the library cat.  When Dewey was left in the book return one night, library employees decided to adopt him.  He lived until the ripe old age of 19; during those years he ”worked” for the Spencer Library with the following job description:

1. Reducing stress for all humans who pay attention to him.
2. Sitting by the front door every morning at 9:00 am to greet the public as they enter the library.
3. Sampling all boxes that enter the library for security problems and comfort level.
4. Attending all meetings in the Round Room as official library ambassador.
5. Providing comic relief for staff and visitors whenever possible.
6. Climbing in book bags and briefcases while patrons are studying or trying to retrieve needed papers underneath him.
7. Generating free national and world-wide publicity for Spencer Public Library. (This entails sitting still for photographs, smiling for the camera, and generally being cute.)
8. Working toward status as world’s most finicky cat by refusing all but the most expensive, delectable foods—and even turning up his nose at those most of the time.

I’m surprised, but delighted, that they were able to get away with this for all that time without some whiny bitch complaining that this violated the rights of library-goers who are allergic to cats.  Good for you, Spencer Library.  I wish my local library had a cat hanging out.  Who knows?  Then I might actually go there and pay my late fees.

I’m sorry, but this website just makes me laugh:  http://cranialtech.com/

If I weren’t such a lazy bastard, I would have the Everything’s OK Blog to post this link in.  But I am, so I don’t.  This will have to do then.

Here is an excellent article from…Cracked?  It’s a sad day in America when such a website produces more informative and logical articles than your average mainstream media outlet.

The 5 Most Popular Safety Laws (That Don’t Work)

For more on Zero Tolerance, also see This Is True.

For the past few months cnn.com has been offering t-shirts with genuine CNN headlines printed on them.  Due to their complete removal from any kind of context, the results usually range from slightly funny (”Tasing ‘not a pleasurable experience’“) to completely irrelevent (”Mrs. Edwards slams McCain’s health plan“) to potentially creepy enough to get you beat up by mobs of strangers (”Teen too young for ‘come hither’ pose?“).  Essentially, though, they all have one important thing in common:  They allow you to tell the world that you existed when something happened.  (The biggest question I have?  Why didn’t CNN think to trademark these shirts as Chestlines?  Too late now, CNN…it’s mine!)

If I had to pick a favorite, it would be this Blort’s™ namesake CNN shirt:

Obviously, CNN has chosen to limit the stories that become Chestlines™.  After all, the fashion world probably isn’t ready for t-shirts emblazoned with slogans like:

• Gays in Iraq terrorized by threats, rape, murder
• Beheaded Hitler waxwork will be restored
• Army suicides highest in nearly 2 decades, study finds
• Cells, texting give predators secret path to kids
• Child rapists can’t be executed, Supreme Court rules

Edit: I cut 24-hour help for gay youth from my selection of joke Chestlines™ while trimming down my initial list.  However, I thought it was worth mentioning that this story, which is about a “crisis and suicide prevention number for gay and questioning youth,” was found in the “entertainment” section of CNN.

Random knowledge gleaned from the internet about how to keep your kidneys healthy and (hopefully) stone-free:

You’ll want to avoid excess sodium intake, as well as too much soda.  Fluids are essential; drinking plenty of water each day will help prevent stones.  It’s also said that cranberry juice is helpful in aiding kidney health.

More information on kidney stones (and how to treat or prevent them) can be found here.

If you like awkward softcore porn and drug-addled rambles, then have I got a cam-whore for you:  “Sweet Eva”

Basically, this chick just sits around in her underwear all day long, yelling at the Internet.  The hilarious part, though, is just how much abuse she puts up with.  Anytime she’s on, there’s usually an entire chatroom full of people just mocking her.  She takes it all in stride, though, acting as if she really believes that all the hecklers are simply jealous of her.  “You’re just jealous that people wanna watch me and ain’t nobody wanna watch you, ya’ piece-a poop,” she’s claimed on more than one occasion.

It’s amazing to see how deluded people can be sometimes. 

Anyway, the links below are so not-safe-for-work, it’s ridiculous.  Click them at your own risk, and judge for yourself (but be aware that you will probably receive a pop-up upon leaving the cam site):

http://www.cam4.com/sweeteva (Eva alone)
http://www.cam4.com/evanmike (Eva and her boyfriend Mike)

Edit: According to comments below, she now broadcasts at http://www.iwebcam.com/sweeteva.  When you get there, you have to select her name from the room list in order to see the cam.  I’m amazed people are still watching, though…

During my 3 hours of sleeplessness yesterday morning, I found myself randomly researching an occasional hobby of mine:  Elements.  I stumbled across Theodore Gray’s PeriodicTable.com, and browsed for hours.

The concept of elements in their purest form is very interesting to me.  There are only around 100 different atoms that make up the entire universe, as far as we know.  The differences between each atom are minute…add a proton to helium and it becomes lithium.  The mathematical and cyclical nature of it all also amazes me.  Keep adding protons, and an atom will keep changing from noble gases, to alkali metals, and so on.  Each layer seemingly has it’s own increased properties as well.  Lithium will create energy and zoom around on the surface of water it’s placed in, while sodium will explode on contact with the same water.  Cesium, another alkali metal, will react similarly from simply being exposed to the moisture in the air.

When atoms combine into molecules, they become even more fascinating.  Mix sodium (the alkali metal so unstable that it explodes in water) and chlorine (a gas that is so poisonous in its purest form, that it could kill you instantly) and you end up with ordinary salt.  That’s fucking amazing!

I think what I like so much about Theodore Gray, though, is that he’s doing something I’ve always wanted to do:  Collect actual samples of all of the elements.  He even explains how to begin your own collection, which I think I may have to do one day.

There’s a theoretical experiment I’d love to know the results of, but would be very afraid to try.  If exactly one ounce of each existing element, were placed in a small box, and mixed together, what would the result be?  Of course, this is not unlike another imaginary experiment I’ve always wondered about:  If you took one of each animal, and placed them all in a giant room …which would be the last one standing?  I somehow don’t imagine it would be the human.

Sea life is generally pretty scary anyway, but just look at these giant starfish they found in the Antarctic waters of New Zealand.  They look like they’re on steroids:

More beautiful, but still pretty creepy, are these meter tall tunicates, which look like living glass flowers:

Source:  http://news.mongabay.com/2008/0321-antarctica.html

Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor, who had a hand in offering the free versions of Saul Williams‘ latest album, is once again taking the Harvey Danger approach to business (that’s right, bitches…Harvey Danger was offering free albums long before Radiohead became “pioneers” for doing so.  For that matter, so was Self).  This time, you can get part one of his new album Ghosts I-IV for free.  If you want the whole album, though, you will have to pay for it.

It’s interesting to note just how much money people are making by giving away free albums, and then charging an insane amount for special versions.  The order page states that the 2,500 ultra-deluxe limited editions that were selling at $300 are already gone.  That’s a guaranteed $750,000 in Trent’s pocket.  Basically, rich people are paying more so that poor people can enjoy the music, too.  It’s almost like communism, isn’t it?

The copyright page for the Sellotape website claims, and I quote, “Hyperlinking to this site, is not permitted without the express prior permission of Sellotape®.”

Obviously no one would ever be so bold as to tell people they can’t link to their site, nor would it be very effective.  Obviously what’s going on here is a bit of reverse psychology.  Tell people they can’t link to your website and they’ll do it just to spite you…right?  If you look, they even placed an unnecessary comma in the middle of the sentence.  I’m assuming that this pause is where you would insert a quiet snicker.

Well, fuck you Sellotape.  There’s no way I’m ever linking to your site!

…wait.

Damn they’re good.