For the past few months cnn.com has been offering t-shirts with genuine CNN headlines printed on them.  Due to their complete removal from any kind of context, the results usually range from slightly funny (”Tasing ‘not a pleasurable experience’“) to completely irrelevent (”Mrs. Edwards slams McCain’s health plan“) to potentially creepy enough to get you beat up by mobs of strangers (”Teen too young for ‘come hither’ pose?“).  Essentially, though, they all have one important thing in common:  They allow you to tell the world that you existed when something happened.  (The biggest question I have?  Why didn’t CNN think to trademark these shirts as Chestlines?  Too late now, CNN…it’s mine!)

If I had to pick a favorite, it would be this Blort’s™ namesake CNN shirt:

Obviously, CNN has chosen to limit the stories that become Chestlines™.  After all, the fashion world probably isn’t ready for t-shirts emblazoned with slogans like:

• Gays in Iraq terrorized by threats, rape, murder
• Beheaded Hitler waxwork will be restored
• Army suicides highest in nearly 2 decades, study finds
• Cells, texting give predators secret path to kids
• Child rapists can’t be executed, Supreme Court rules

Edit: I cut 24-hour help for gay youth from my selection of joke Chestlines™ while trimming down my initial list.  However, I thought it was worth mentioning that this story, which is about a “crisis and suicide prevention number for gay and questioning youth,” was found in the “entertainment” section of CNN.

Random knowledge gleaned from the internet about how to keep your kidneys healthy and (hopefully) stone-free:

You’ll want to avoid excess sodium intake, as well as too much soda.  Fluids are essential; drinking plenty of water each day will help prevent stones.  It’s also said that cranberry juice is helpful in aiding kidney health.

More information on kidney stones (and how to treat or prevent them) can be found here.

If you like awkward softcore porn and drug-addled rambles, then have I got a cam-whore for you:  “Sweet Eva”

Basically, this chick just sits around in her underwear all day long, yelling at the Internet.  The hilarious part, though, is just how much abuse she puts up with.  Anytime she’s on, there’s usually an entire chatroom full of people just mocking her.  She takes it all in stride, though, acting as if she really believes that all the hecklers are simply jealous of her.  “You’re just jealous that people wanna watch me and ain’t nobody wanna watch you, ya’ piece-a poop,” she’s claimed on more than one occasion.

It’s amazing to see how deluded people can be sometimes. 

Anyway, the links below are so not-safe-for-work, it’s ridiculous.  Click them at your own risk, and judge for yourself (but be aware that you will probably receive a pop-up upon leaving the cam site):

http://www.cam4.com/sweeteva (Eva alone)
http://www.cam4.com/evanmike (Eva and her boyfriend Mike)

Edit: According to comments below, she now broadcasts at http://www.iwebcam.com/sweeteva.  When you get there, you have to select her name from the room list in order to see the cam.  I’m amazed people are still watching, though…

During my 3 hours of sleeplessness yesterday morning, I found myself randomly researching an occasional hobby of mine:  Elements.  I stumbled across Theodore Gray’s PeriodicTable.com, and browsed for hours.

The concept of elements in their purest form is very interesting to me.  There are only around 100 different atoms that make up the entire universe, as far as we know.  The differences between each atom are minute…add a proton to helium and it becomes lithium.  The mathematical and cyclical nature of it all also amazes me.  Keep adding protons, and an atom will keep changing from noble gases, to alkali metals, and so on.  Each layer seemingly has it’s own increased properties as well.  Lithium will create energy and zoom around on the surface of water it’s placed in, while sodium will explode on contact with the same water.  Cesium, another alkali metal, will react similarly from simply being exposed to the moisture in the air.

When atoms combine into molecules, they become even more fascinating.  Mix sodium (the alkali metal so unstable that it explodes in water) and chlorine (a gas that is so poisonous in its purest form, that it could kill you instantly) and you end up with ordinary salt.  That’s fucking amazing!

I think what I like so much about Theodore Gray, though, is that he’s doing something I’ve always wanted to do:  Collect actual samples of all of the elements.  He even explains how to begin your own collection, which I think I may have to do one day.

There’s a theoretical experiment I’d love to know the results of, but would be very afraid to try.  If exactly one ounce of each existing element, were placed in a small box, and mixed together, what would the result be?  Of course, this is not unlike another imaginary experiment I’ve always wondered about:  If you took one of each animal, and placed them all in a giant room …which would be the last one standing?  I somehow don’t imagine it would be the human.

Sea life is generally pretty scary anyway, but just look at these giant starfish they found in the Antarctic waters of New Zealand.  They look like they’re on steroids:

More beautiful, but still pretty creepy, are these meter tall tunicates, which look like living glass flowers:

Source:  http://news.mongabay.com/2008/0321-antarctica.html

Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor, who had a hand in offering the free versions of Saul Williams‘ latest album, is once again taking the Harvey Danger approach to business (that’s right, bitches…Harvey Danger was offering free albums long before Radiohead became “pioneers” for doing so.  For that matter, so was Self).  This time, you can get part one of his new album Ghosts I-IV for free.  If you want the whole album, though, you will have to pay for it.

It’s interesting to note just how much money people are making by giving away free albums, and then charging an insane amount for special versions.  The order page states that the 2,500 ultra-deluxe limited editions that were selling at $300 are already gone.  That’s a guaranteed $750,000 in Trent’s pocket.  Basically, rich people are paying more so that poor people can enjoy the music, too.  It’s almost like communism, isn’t it?

The copyright page for the Sellotape website claims, and I quote, “Hyperlinking to this site, is not permitted without the express prior permission of Sellotape®.”

Obviously no one would ever be so bold as to tell people they can’t link to their site, nor would it be very effective.  Obviously what’s going on here is a bit of reverse psychology.  Tell people they can’t link to your website and they’ll do it just to spite you…right?  If you look, they even placed an unnecessary comma in the middle of the sentence.  I’m assuming that this pause is where you would insert a quiet snicker.

Well, fuck you Sellotape.  There’s no way I’m ever linking to your site!

…wait.

Damn they’re good.

This is the slogan for CNN’s Second Life “blog” which apparently…exists.  What’s next?  The World of Warcraft Times, evening edition?

http://secondlife.blogs.cnn.com/

Ridiculous…

I hope Dick Cheney’s little black heart explodes.  The link contains all the information needed to know why:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080123/ap_on_go_pr_wh/cheney_terrorist_surveillance

I read an article on CNN the other day about a new invention for the funeral industry.  They essentially describe it as a “high-tech, weatherproof [scrapbook], with digital images powered by a solar cell.”  That’s right.  It’s a little solar powered 7″ video screen that people can watch slide-shows or videos on…all from the comfort of their loved one’s tombstone!

Of course, those offering these idiotic devices admit to having trouble making sales.  Some of them haven’t even unloaded a single one.  In case any of these people are confused as to why nobody’s buying, I’d like to offer a possible reason:  IT’S A FUCKING STUPID IDEA.

The fact that they want people to pony up $2,000 fucking dollars so they can see a ten minute video every year or so when they visit the cemetery is ridiculous.  First off, it’s a waste of money.  If I want people to have access to a 10-minute photo montage of me after I die…there are better ways to do it.  For $2,000 I could print a DVD for every person I’ve ever known.  Hell…for that matter, I could just put it on YouTube for free!

Secondly, electronics are temporary.  People pay thousands of dollars for engraved tombstones because they’re practically permanent.  Nobody wants to have to pay for repairs on a fucking tombstone every few years.

Let’s not forget that the whole idea is fucking tacky in the first place.  Cemeteries are supposed to be nice serene places where we are allowed peace and quiet to properly mourn the dead.  The desire to bring technology into even these places is almost offensive.

I, for one, applaud society for at least having the common sense to not buy these things.