Note to people:  If you see someone wearing a heavy coat or running a space heater at their desk…don’t look at them with an incredulous little look on your face and ask them if they’re cold.  If you’ve ever done this to someone, you may have noticed that person then trying to move the conversation along as quickly as possible.  This is because there are only two possible sarcasm-free answers to the question.

1) “Of course I’m cold.  Why else would I be using a space heater, you fucking idiot?”
2) “No, I’m not cold anymore.  I’m sitting in front of a space heater…you fucking idiot.”

Besides, you’re not asking because you genuinely want these obvious answers.  You just think that such a question is somehow less douchy than simply blurting out, “I think the temperature is mild in here and I fault you for disagreeing.”  (It’s not, by the way.)

I’m getting really fucking sick of hearing about these copper thefts that are getting so popular these days.  Petty theft and vandalism are bad enough as it is…but these scumbags take the fucking cake.  In case you somehow haven’t heard about these crimes, basically, you’ve got a bunch of druggies breaking into vacant homes, soccer fields, or anywhere else that might have a few thousand feet of wire.  Then, they destroy the entire fucking place in order to get the copper.  When the whole thing is said and done, the thieves have a couple hundred bucks worth of copper and the victims have $10,000 worth of damage.

These assholes all need to be shot in the head.

I died on October 7th, 2007.

At least that’s what my memorial website says.  I discovered memory-of.com last year and out of curiosity, started an account for myself.  I believe it started as an experiment in eulogizing myself, but in the end I couldn’t think of anything to say.  After that, I left my memorial, bare and forgotten.

Forgotten, at least, until the relentless e-mails began.  Death is big business after all and this website proves it.  Sign up for a simple page where loved ones can send their condolences and you’d better be prepared.  For months, I received offers to extend my page’s time on the Internet for a nominal fee.  Or, if that wasn’t permanent enough, I could pay to have the entire thing turned into a physical scrapbook.  They kept telling me that the memorial would be taken down soon, only to have last minute changes of heart.  “We’ve decided to leave up Brian’s memorial for another year at no charge!”

I had almost forgotten about my death again until a couple of weeks ago.  That’s when the “angelversary” e-mail’s began.  (Angelversary?  Really?)  There was one to remind me that the angelversary was coming and another a few days later to offer their sincere condolences.  A third e-mail expressed their hopes that the website had “been a comfort and a source of support” throughout the angelversary.  This last e-mail also took the opportunity to inform me, “Tomorrow is the last day that you can upgrade to a permanent Memorial Website at 25% off.”

I rarely see anything in the news these days capable of making me quite as mad as this “editorial” by Rebekah Sanderlin.  It’s a spiteful commentary that essentially accuses all Americans of being lazy, stupid complainers.  She takes the Neoconservative stand to an extreme (that is, patriotism means loving the United States Government and hating the American people).  To truly vent my disgust with this moronic article, I decided to respond to several “points” of hers individually:

The war didn’t change and the fighting force didn’t change, but the people back home are over it. War, it seems, went out of style in 2003.

Yeah, that tends to happen when people begin to realize how unnecessary and never-ending the war in question is.  I suppose we should just support the war for the next thousand years for the sake of style?  Or maybe just to avoid admitting that our country was wrong about something?

In the military community we roll our eyes when we hear that Americans are war weary. Just what, we wonder, are you all weary of? Hearing about the war? Seeing stories in the news? Most Americans don’t even know anyone in the military and won’t have any direct contact with the war besides seeing uniformed soldiers in the airport. You all haven’t been asked to do anything more to support this war than sit back and watch as your tax dollars are spent.

So, the logic here being that anyone who doesn’t personally know a soldier, isn’t allowed or able to have an informed opinion about our country’s actions?  By the way…we haven’t actually been asked to sit back and watch as our tax dollars are spent.  We’ve been forced to sit back and blindly trust the Government and their actions while the whole thing is financed by hyperinflation.

To us, civilian complaints about being war weary sound like the gripes of deadbeat dads: It’s a bummer to hear that things are going badly and you’re sick of being asked to pay for it, but you’re not doing any of the real work yourselves.

Maybe the deadbeat dad analogy would work better like this:  “It’s not your kid, and it’s a bummer to hear that it’s being repeatedly gangraped each night, and you’re sick of being robbed by the rapists, but at least you’re not doing any of the real work yourself!”

It’s not your fault. Nobody has asked you to do anything. Our leaders didn’t think you would be willing to make real sacrifices, so they never bothered to ask. They let you all think that shopping yourselves into debt was patriotic, that spending yourselves into bankruptcy and foreclosure was enough to keep our nation safe.

I’m not sure why the economy even gets mentioned here, but since it did, I might as well point out the fact that all those idiots who bought houses they couldn’t afford were only able to do so because of the Government.  The schmucks in D.C. didn’t just allow people to spend themselves into ruin…they highly encouraged this behavior with their policies.  So, what’s your point, Rebekah?  The Government helped destroy our economy, so they should be allowed to do whatever the hell they want when it comes to foreign policy as well?

You are war weary because futility breeds weariness. When you feel like something is for no good reason and getting nowhere, it’s understandable that you’d be over it. But maybe you wouldn’t be so war weary if you, personally, had a stake in what was happening “over there.”

Oh, I get it…so, I suppose I wouldn’t mind a futile war that isn’t going anywhere if only I had a loved one who could be killed in the futile war that isn’t going anywhere.  Well, I should have Autumn sign up to fight, so I can begin loving perpetual war!

And make no mistake: We are tired. We are stretched thin. Our marriages and our families are collapsing. Our children are emotionally damaged. They act out at school and cry at home. Everyday we wonder if we have the strength for even another day of this. We’re tired from the work, but we’re not weary of the mission.

So far this article has read like this:  “The war is expensive as hell, most of the country is against it, it’s futile and it’s not going anywhere, it’s destroying families and children…now start supporting it you pussies!”

 My husband and I know that this is not his last deployment and we know that his odds of returning home get worse with each trip. The only way our family and other military families will get a break is if more Americans sign up to join the fight. News reports these days are full of stories of lay-offs and the high cost of health care. Well, guess what? There are no pink slips in the military and our excellent health care system is free.

All aboard the Socialism-Express, eh?  You know…without people in this country actually producing goods and services, there would be no taxpayers to pay for your wars of aggression.  Still want everyone to join the army to suck on the teat of the state?

So sign up. We want you. Your nation wants you. And we in the military community need you. My family deserves a break.

Your family deserves a break, huh?  I agree.  Apparently, so does most of the country.  But, I suppose you’re happy to just spend your time publicly insulting all of us for being “lazy,” instead of considering the possibility that we may actually have a principled and intelligent stance against the war.

The only thing that seems to keep this cunt believing in such a terrible war, is her fear that everyone in the middle east wants to destroy America.  Her article, however, is the best possible argument against continued war.  In her warmongering little manifesto, she cites the American lives lost or destroyed…drawing a correlation between personal proximity to these tragedies and willingness to support war.  Well, if a measly 4,000+ lives lost is enough for hordes of neocons like her to eschew all common sense in order to support the war with such fervor…I can only imagine how many potential “terrorists” have been similarly inspired by 100,000-1,000,000* Iraqi deaths.

Congratulations, Rebekah Sanderlin.  You’re bound to get your wish for eternal war, because people like you are ensuring that we’ll never run out of people who would like to see America destroyed.

*The number varies depending on who you ask…but either way, it’s pretty fucking huge.

It was so nice of the corn industry to start a media campaign to enlighten the country about the lies being propagated about corn syrup.  As it turns out, high fructose corn syrup is no worse for us than regular old sugar, and we were just suckers for thinking otherwise!

You can really believe this website, too.  Unlike all those anti-corn naysayers, these people actually know what they’re talking about.  After all, they grow and sell the stuff!  Also, they have statistics from the US Government to back them up.  If that doesn’t say “trustworthy,” nothing does!

That leads me to a thought, though.  Since we live in a country that supposedly believes in the free market…why don’t we stop subsidizing corn farmers?  Since their product is apparently so fucking great, and since their new website claims that “U.S. food manufacturers’ continued use of high fructose corn syrup is based on the benefits it provides rather than its price relative to sugar,” I suppose there’s no reason for the government to continue artificially keeping the price low?  I’m certain that everyone would see the glorious benefits of high fructose corn syrup and continue choosing it over sugar, even if the price went up.  Right?

The stalker responded again to my most recent Comcast-related rant.  This time he had the following to say:

ComcastCares July 16th, 2008 8:54 pm

Actually you can select once, specific day, or everyday. After you go through setting the time and day, the next screen you will select the channel, and the next screen will have a variety of options. Select Recording Settings and you can select to record each week, daily or once.

I will be happy to share the feedback regarding HD programming. There is a lot coming. As you see channels move from analog to free space you will see new HD added. Also check out some of the other cool things coming:
http://www.comcast.com/ces

I hope this helps!

Thanks,
Frank

Jesus Christ!  Alright!  So, after a lot of fiddling, I discovered that this technically does work.  I just never knew it because this seemingly important option is, first of all, buried 6 fucking screens into the process (why in the hell wouldn’t “recording frequency” and “channel” be on the very first relevant page?).  Secondly, if you’ve already set a program through “Record From TV Listings” and are simply trying to make things more efficient by setting a manual recording instead…guess what?  The options to record everyday/once a week/mon-fri are (to use your favorite word) actually not available.  They don’t even appear in a grayed-out fashion…they simply don’t exist, which is what led to my original rant in the first place.  So, you can still take your attitude and shove it up your ass, Frank.

The points remain:  I shouldn’t have to go through 6 fucking screens to set a manual program.  When I get there, options shouldn’t be missing for any reason.  The “Record From TV Listings” function should work properly in the first place.  You’re a douche.

I hate people who aren’t funny, but not because they tell crappy jokes (although that is annoying).

No…what’s worse is that each time you fail to laugh at one of their insipid attempts at humor, they have the balls to act as if there’s something wrong with you!  “God, it was just a joke!  You need to lighten up,” they say.

Well, fuck you unfunny masses.  We don’t stay silent because we’re heartless bastards who secretly want to kill ourselves.  We do it because you fucking suck at comedy.

Am I the only one who thinks the media obsession with celebrity babies is a little creepy?  Apparently Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are going to be selling the first pictures of their new twins to some magazine for 11-20 million dollars.  To their credit, they’re only being good little capitalists.  If the market has determined that baby pictures are worth millions, they might as well utilize it, right?  Besides, they will almost certainly donate that money to charity.

The scary part isn’t that the parents are willing to capitalize on this crap…it’s that the demand exists in the first place.  Are Americans really so pathetic that they actually clamor to simply see something that came out of a famous person’s uterus?  Don’t all babies pretty much look like this, anyway?

I’m sick of the rationalization of celebrity worship, too.  Every time some piece of shit with a camera harasses a star while they take the trash out, we say that it’s just part of the job.  Celebrities should, in fact, even enjoy the violations of peace and privacy because they chose to create art for a living.  It just means that they’re important, right?

That’s complete bullshit and anyone who disagrees is an idiot.  Nobody deserves to be constantly stalked just because of their profession.  All TMZ-style paparazzi should be shot.  As should anyone still referring to couples by combining their first names, à la “Brangelina.”

Wow!  This morning when I posted my random rant about Comcast, I was just venting.  Now, I’m actually pretty irritated.  These guys are apparently stalking the internet looking for anti-Comcast blogs (or Blorts™ in this case) to respond to.

An hour ago, I received the following comment response from some douche named Frank Eliason:

ComcastCares July 12th, 2008 10:35 pm

Actually in most of the DVR’s you can do that. There will also be an enhancement that allows the DVR to recognize a show that was already recorded, even if it is listed as new in the guide info.

To record by time, select Set a Recording, Create Manual Recording

Well then, smartass.  Thanks for the advice, but I was actually alluding to the ability to program something called a “schedule.”

For example, with this function I could set it to record Channel 653 from 11:35pm to 12:35am and…(now here’s the part that would actually make it fucking useful) I could say that I wanted to record that slot every weekday (or each Sunday, etc…).

This way, I wouldn’t have to waste space saving the two-week-old rerun of Late Night with Conan O’Brien that airs at 3:00am in order to ensure that the new episode I recorded earlier in the night doesn’t get taped over.  Or I could set a schedule to manually record each Sunday night episode of The Simpsons, without the DVR also recording the 4,000 repeats that play throughout the rest of the week.

The steps you’ve suggested only let me record one show at a time, which is pretty much useless.  In fact, your idea does the exact same thing as simply pressing the record button while looking in the guide…except it takes 10 times longer!

So, thanks for stopping by to try and prove me wrong with your awful advice, Comcast!  It sure is nice to know that you have designated retorters on your payroll hunting down websites to save face on, but perhaps it would be more useful to hire people who can recognize good ideas when they see them?  Maybe next time I’m looking for television, internet and phone service, I’ll head on over to a company that isn’t busy being simultaneously condescending and wrong.

Oh, and while I’m at it, your HD programming is fucking weak and anyone with half a brain knows that your “More HD” advertising campaign is purposely and obviously misleading.

Fuck you, Comcast!

Some piece of shit named Scott Hoover is suing the Virginia lottery because he bought a scratch ticket and later discovered that the top prize for that game had already been awarded.  What the fuck did he expect?  Of course some people are going to end up playing after the top prize has been awarded!  That’s the obvious nature of a random lottery.  The only other possibilities are absolutely ridiculous:

1. The lottery could instantly go collect all unsold tickets the moment a top prize is collected.  Unscratched tickets could be refunded for full purchase price!  Of course, since the prizes awarded are directly proportional to the amount of tickets created (and therefore sold), this solution would eventually destroy the lottery as we know it.
2. The lottery could magically ensure that only the very last person to purchase a ticket will be the big winner!  Magic!

And where does it end?  What if the winning ticket is in someone’s glovebox for awhile and they don’t know it?  Should the lottery still be responsible for all those poor souls “wasting” their money on 2nd prize or lower?  Perhaps everyone could sue the winner instead for not scratching sooner!

Besides…the lottery never alleges that each ticket will have the real opportunity to win the top prize.  It only alleges that every ticket has the statistical opportunity to win a prize (and that a top prize will at some point be awarded to somebody).  If there’s still a single break-even ticket out there, who has the right to complain?

It’s not like they’re being shady here.  This douchebag, Hoover, used public records to determine (after the fact) that someone had already won the top prize.  Public records!  So, the availability of the top prize is public record?  What’s the fucking problem then?!  If he’s only willing to buy a lottery ticket to which the top prize hasn’t yet been awarded, he can just do the research beforehand next time!

Otherwise, I guess he’ll just have to live with a few gambles when he’s gambling.